Day Five Without Oliver

I made this video of you on one of those long days you were left home alone. I hated leaving you home alone but it had to be done. I didn't get a roommate until the spring so the fall was a lonely time for you. When I first made this, I didn't watch any of it, but rather just sped the tape up 512-times and added one of Joel's catchy tunes. I finally browsed through some of the tape when I was putting together your tribute video and it absolutely broke my heart. In the YouTube version of this, it just looks like you slept a lot and walked around a bit. What you can't see on YouTube is that you're wandering around lost in the apartment crying for help. I feel so terrible for this now. If only I could have had a roommate sooner, or had someone to come in and check on you. But I will say this, I walked you more on the days I left you home alone and gave you much bigger treats and much more lovin when I came home from my long days at school and work.

I remember when you would chase after one of the many rabbits in that Buffalo neighborhood and I remember how I would chuckle to myself when you would not see a rabbit sitting no more than ten feet from where we were walking. How insensitive I was. But my goodness you were so strong and so in shape back then. You had buns of steel and shoulders that could kill. So did I, I actually exercised at the gym, ran, and walked back then. Those were good times for the both of us.

I find myself feeling more regret about what I hadn't done for you that feeling sadness that you have passed. I think that's why it is so hard on me and why I keep writing to you.

Good night, Oliver
<3

Day Four Without Oliver

I didn't write to you last night. I guess that's just a sign of how well I have been progressing. Do you see how fugly you are in that picture, that's what we had to deal with most of your life. Every time I would ask them not to cut you like a poodle but every time you would come home with those stupid fluffy long ears. It doesn't help you always ended up pretty well matted, but my goodness I hated those haircuts. Its almost as bad as that orange recliner you're sitting in there.

Your Build-A-Bear replica looks so much like you that Katie and I keep thinking its you every time we turn the corner. I have that sitting at the top of the stairs in front of the den. Mom put it in her room but I didn't want it buried in her pile of crap. Katie said she wanted to take it and cuddle with it like she would with you.

I'm still thinking about all the good times we had together over the years but I am starting to be thankful that I finally made the mature decision to do the toughest thing imaginable, and put you to sleep. You slept so much in the past year that its only right that you will now get to sleep forever and ever.

I still haven't washed my sheets. I like how they smell like you, which is slightly ironic since I never liked how you smelled when we were young. I remember I would always push you off my bed. And oh my, you would never make up your mind. It was always up and down and back up and then back down then ten minutes later you would want back up into the recliner, the couch, the bed, my lap wherever I was. You were never content. But I still loved having you sit with me no matter what the circumstances.

Good morning, my wittle puppy doggie.
<3

Day Three Without Oliver

So, this was my third day without you, Oliver. I'll admit that I am still oh so very sad to see you go but I'm doing better. Its just that you were so a part of my routine, my life, and my thought processes that its hard to break out of that. Especially living here, without thinking I will turn to go up the stairs and expect to see you laying at the top step waiting for me but you aren't there so it makes me sad. I suppose it doesn't help that we have your stuffed Build-A-Bear replica at the top step - slightly strange but it was a gift a few years ago. I look over to your big brown recliner and expect to see a little white fuzz ball laying there but you are nowhere to be found. I go into the kitchen and think I might see you waiting out on the porch to be let back in. I remember when I used to flick the light on and off when I wanted you to come in, and yes sir I did teach you to come in when I flickered the light on the porch. All of these little things build up throughout the day. There are so many memories built into this house that I can't find a corner of the house that don't have a good memory of us.

Its probably a little weird that I keep writing to you like this, but Katie told me to stop posting such depressing Facebook statuses to I decided to bring those over to this blog. I'm going to be honest with you, I'm not normal. I feel like only you really 'got' me. I have a terrible time socializing and connecting with people. I have few real friends. I feel like I fall on the Autism Spectrum sometimes, but you helped me bridge the gap. You were a very convenient segue and one heck of a conversation starter and it eased my social anxiety. Lord knows I take forever to warm up to somebody but when you were involved, I could go on socializing like its no big deal.

Generally, I keep my emotions bottled up inside, but I'm glad I actually let them out this time and allowed myself to heal more naturally. Its been tough, as I've told you, but talking about it as much as I have has really sped up my grieving process. Sure I felt a little mopey today, but I was much less mopey than the day before and I didn't even choke up at all today. I have even put my mind to the future and toyed with the idea of a new dog. Try not to get jealous, Oliver, I know how territorial and protective you were of me, but rest assured no one, no dog, will ever take your place in my heart.

I haven't washed my blankets yet and they still smell like you :) I'll call within the next week to have the carpets professionally cleaned to get out all of your little messes everywhere.

Good night, Oliver. I miss you terribly so.
<3

Day Two Without Oliver

I know this isn't you, rather your uncle Pepper, but I was extremely camera shy when I was younger so unfortunately there are zero pictures that exist of you and me when we were younger. If that were you instead of Pepper, this would be my most favoritest picture ever.

I came home to an empty house after work today. As I was walking back from the mailbox, I was expecting to hear you cry like you did when you were left home alone but I only heard the sound of silence echoing from inside the black hole that is this house. I knew you weren't there but when I came to the top of the stairs, I looked over to your favorite brown chair in hopes that you may have magically reappeared. I was really mopey today. I had a terrible time staying focused at work just to come home to wander around aimlessly looking for something to do. I finally cleaned up the garage from the mess I made building your Box with dad and I took your headstone out to your grave. I made it look pretty nice but it will look much better when I get you some perennial flowers. I know I won't always be around to take care of your final resting place but at least if I put some nice flowers in, you'll be looking good forever. I got really choked up when I was setting everything up, when my mind drifted off to the good memories we have of you chasing me around the field there as I mindlessly smacked golf balls from one end to the other. It was always easy to get you enough exercise when you were younger; we would just do a few laps around the field and you would be pooped.

Anyway, I'm starting to get a better handle now on my emotions for you. Small steps. Mom and Katie hinted at giving me a new puppy for my birthday but I told them that it was much too soon for me. I need more time for me heart to heal and to get settled down in my life. I want my next dog to not be at that house but to be at a place that we can share for at least a few years. I don't know where that would be but probably either in the Jamestown area or in Buffalo. Right now, I'm just hoping Jonathan gets that job he wanted so we can get a place together. He wants a puppy right away - its been over a year already since Tucker passed away.

My car has been a piece of crap lately. A big ol' money pit. Its incredibly upsetting for me that I lost my beloved Roxanne and my precious puppy Oliver within four months of each other.

Good night, Puppy

Our final night together

Day One Without Oliver

The hardest part about this is the guilt I feel for not taking better care of you in your final months. I know living in my parents' basement is soul crushing but it is no reason to not take you for a walk everyday like I was when we lived together in Buffalo, or to do something more to protect you from falling down the stairs. I know its only been one day since you went off to that special place but I was totally lost without you today. I had no one to greet me when I came home and no one to cuddle with after dinner. I tried playing Super Mario Brothers like we did in the old days to pass the time but it didn't work. I couldn't stay focused, my mind kept drifting off to you and the empty spot next to me in the big green chair.

There was never a convenient way for me to take care of you after I moved to college, you were already ten years old by then. You were getting the care I wanted for you when I was away at school then when we were sharing my apartment together, I never had enough time to give you the attention you needed. I was caught in a tough spot but I did the best that I could and we had a good thing going. I should have never moved back home after graduation. You were in such good shape then (I walked you well over a mile everyday), and you were doing so well but you declined so rapidly after we moved back home. I know I couldn't have stopped the cataracts, or the arthritis, or the deafness but I should've done more to take care of you and help you make your final months more enjoyable for the both of us. I'm sure my pain for your passing will fade soon enough and my need to write you these long letters will dissipate too, but there will always be a special place in my heart for you, best friend, probably my left ventricle. Just saying.

Good Night, Ol' Cloudy Eyes
<3

P.S. I've made an extended edition director's cut of Oliver's tribute video:


The new stuff starts around minute 13.

Oliver

Oh Oliver, I will miss you more than words can describe. I still remember the first time I laid my little nine-year old eyes on you. It was my ninth birthday party and you were the last present I opened - a big ol' box down in the basement. Thank you Aunt Donna for the best gift I have ever received. You were so darn cute but come on, a toy poodle? And silly me wanted to name you Salt, after our previous dog, Pepper. Nikki named you, as she was reading Oliver Twist at the time - later she also named my beloved Roxanne. 


You pulled me through a pretty trying childhood, Oliver, with the angry giant of an older sister, bossy older brother, and little sister whole stole everyone's attention. Not to mention the alcoholism, ahem. I felt pretty alone then but you were always there for me whenever I needed you, always more than willing to cuddle with me or at least sleep on my lap oh so comfortingly. You always seemed to know when I was having a bad day and would come give me some extra loving.

You have been loved and adored by many through the years. You were the cross country's team's "Mascot," and have been enjoyed by those at camp, track, the trap club, and Katie's tennis and softball events, not to mention the Boys Scouts of old and of course our large family. You are quite the ladies' man, Oliver, though apparently only middle-aged women. I remember the one time I was walking you near my college and some guys up on their porch told me how cute you are, then they asked what breed you are and I told them Toy Poodle, but not surprisingly so they told me how lame that is and how gay that it. Those IDIOTS.

You are the best dog I could have ever asked for. You were easy to train and so smart you are, even now in your extreme old age you have managed to keep you wits about you. I remember I taught you to lay and rollover in the same afternoon oh way back then. I'd have to say that's pretty impressive for a nine year old. They say chocolate is bad for a dog's heart, but you have eaten chocolate at least once a week your entire life but that's not what's holding you back, old man. Its the arthritis, cataracts, and deafness that's what's really troubling you. Oh how you love to lick the ice cream bowls... and end up with a sticky beard like you did last night. Despite how cute everyone says you are, I've only ever like one of you hair cuts. In fourteen years, I have only liked how your hair was cut once. Yeesh. Well, that makes since, because I usually had to leave that up to someone else for most of your life. Here's a little secret - I have never called you "Ollie," and I have never liked that people call you that. Your name is "Oliver" and you should be referred to as such.

I can't help but feel guilty for not taking better care of you. If only I could've protected you from the vicious attacks from the neighbors' stupid black lab and dalmation, at least you have far outlived them. Murphy deserved that 2x4 to the head for trying to kill you. Of course, you didn't help matters by trying to be tough like you were a 100 pound dog. Seriously, Oliver, you seven pounds soaking wet. It took you almost two years to finally tolerate Tucker, you tried to beat him up. You killed Katie's bunny - not that it needed much help as it was pretty neglected. You outlived your cousin Prancer by years and your uncle Pepper was too dumb to stay out of the road. Poor Tucker, that sweet puppy had terrible health issues. Somehow, with the rough life you have had, you made it this far, this long, and have been so loving and loyal the entire way. I was disappointed at first that you started to sleep in someone else's bed after I moved to college, but I 'm glad you finally branched out and started to like more people after ten years of sole dedication to me.

Last year when I had you in Buffalo with me you were in excellent shape, other than the worsening cataracts and hearing. You could actually lift up your leg to pee. But after summer camp, the slow descent into old age finally caught up with you. The last six months have been terribly exhausting with you, sir. I can't remember the last time you slept through the whole night or went an entire day without messing on the carpet. Though, I have suffered through these shenanigans because I love you too much to not want to you be in my life even for just a little bit longer. But now, good friend, the time has come for you to go to a special place and feel no more pain or fright and forever be at peace. If you could have told me, you might have wanted to be put out of your misery months ago but for my own selfishness I wouldn't have wanted to listen anyway. Two weeks ago when you fell down the stairs and cracked your head on the concrete, that was the last straw for me. You were laying there stunned and bleeding from the lip. I decided right there that that is no life for such a good friend of mine. I don't want you to suffer anymore. I have built you a beautiful oak Box and have picked out a lovely spot out in the pine grove in the field. I'm sure you would love it, if only you could have seen it for yourself.

Don't tell anyone, but I have spent more on Christmas presents for you than I have on anyone else. I kept your red sweater for way too long, with holes and everything, because it is the only one I have ever liked on you because it actually has sleeves. You never played fetch or had any favorite toys but I really miss the days when you would run around like a mad man and could still do all the many tricks I taught you to do. I'm still upset that you were rejected as the subject of my Behavior Modification class a year and a half ago. As hard as I try I don't think my effort to give you a proper burial will be enough to give you the respect that you deserve.

Now as you lay in my lap one final time and dream and twitch about, I am just so sad. I don't want it to happen, I don't want to take you to the vet tomorrow, but I do want you to be in peace. I want you to sleep as peacefully and as adorably as you do now, forever. Dammit Oliver, only you could break my stoicism like this. I don't think I will ever love a puppy like I have loved you. We grew up together. You ARE my childhood. 14 years, 1 month, and 8 days in my life; forever in my heart.

Goodbye Oliver
I will love you forever and always,
Adam
<3